Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Happy holidays! It's Christmas, bitch. And to celebrate, we're watching a festive, fun film. Curl up by the fire, bake some cookies, and enjoy a little Christmassy history. The end of the year has long been a time of celebration. The solstice represented the light at the end of winter's long and harrowing tunnel. Of course, different cultures found different ways of celebrating. The Norse Yule Festival, the 21st of December, featured feasting, fiery hearts, and originated the Christmas Yule vlog. Further south, the Romans celebrated Saturnalia, celebration of the agriculture god Saturn. Social class be damned in lieu of partying. Everyone became equals as businesses and schools closed for a month of hedonistic partying. Of course, the Christian church just couldn't allow for that.

They'd been long considering a new holiday for baby JC, and Pope Julius I chose December 25th to put an end to the pagan Saturnalia and similar solstice festivals. By the end of the 8th century, Christmas had swept Europe, although it was a bit of a failed experiment because it retained its fair share of debauchery. In the 18th century, Americans decided the time to get jolly had arrived now that the Puritan joysucking was officially over. They changed it up though, trading wild carnival madness for family-centered festivities. Stories by Washington Irving and Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol solidified the holiday we celebrate now, a combination of many cultural practices. You may notice the absence of old man Kringle in this history.

Saint Nicholas, called Sinterklaas in Dutch, hails from Turkey from 280 AD. He was a generous man and eventually became recognized as the patron saint of children. Then, history, history, history, lore began to expand, and in 1881, cartoonist Thomas Nost created an illustration of Clement Clark Moore's 1822 poem, Twas the Night Before Christmas. And bam, we have Santa Claus. American Father Christmas is a combination of many different Yuletide customs. Even the famous 1930s Coca-Cola illustration was created by Finnish illustrator Hayden Sundblom. Speaking of Finland, the Finns have a pretty solid claim to Santa Fame that predates Old Saint No. The Finnish Santa was named Yolopuki, which translates to Yule Goat. He was born from the legend of the evil spirits who demanded gifts or food left over from their Yule feast.

In the 19th century, this image was combined with that of European Santa to create Yulapuki, a jolly goat being that gave gifts instead of stealing them. However, he has never quite been able to escape his dark past. The inspiration for the film Rare Exports. Hello, Sidney. It's your killer host! My name is Parker, your resident horror fanatic. I'm Caroline, Scaredy Scream Queen. I'm Ian, Scary Movie Skeptic. And welcome to. What's your favorite scary movie is a horror film podcast where we're on a journey to find our favorite scary movie one at a time. Whether you hate them or love them, join us and discover yours. Spoilers ahead, so plan your movie screening every weekend before the episode release.

Santa Baby. He's been waiting a whole week to do this. I know. Wait, what's the next lyric to that? Put a present on the tree. Oh. Well, if you wanted to see a little bit more of older clos. Your wishes are command because uh Rare Exports, a Christmas tale, is what we have watched this week. Rare Exports is a Finnish film from 2010, and apologies in in advance, because we're going to be saying some names. And you know what? They'll be coming out of our mouths, but we don't quite know if what's coming out of our mouths is correct. Rare Exports was written and directed by Yalmari Hellander, who also wrote and directed Big Game from 2014.

And this film is kind of the result of some internet fandom. There were two short films created, one called Rare Exports Inc. in 2003, and one called Rare Exports, the Official Safety Instructions from 2005. This is kind of a prequel to those two short films. One kind of shows the process of hunting a Father Christmas, as they call him, and the other shows Hunting? Yes, hunting and trapping and shipping a Father Christmas. Oh. And the other one is kind of uh, like it says, a safety instruction video, and it's in response to failed uh transportation of Father Christmases. Nice. And um, so I'm a little confused because I had not seen those videos the first time I saw this movie, and so I thought we'd do it the same way, and y'all have not seen those short videos, short films, but I watched them before this, and it's like some of it seems like the people in those videos, you know, they had the safety instructions at the beginning of this movie, but then some of it to me felt like these people in this movie would go on to be the people in those videos.

So I'm not totally sure where the timeline stacks up. I'm considering this kind of a prequel to the two short films. Are they available on YouTube? They're available on Vimeo and YouTube for free. For sure, Vimeo, that's where I watched them, but I think someone said they were on YouTube. Here's a fun fact for you the film was distributed by Oscilloscope Laboratories, which was founded in 2008 by Adam Janch, one of the Beastie Boys, and David Finkel. Shortly after Janch's unfortunate death in 2012 deparated cancer, Finkel left the company and co-founded A24 the same year. Huh. I thought that was pretty interesting. So what we saw was kind of a predecessor to A24. I could see it.

I could see it. I don't know if I could see it, but apologies in advance for all of these names. In this movie, we have Ani Tomila, who plays Piertre, the son. Pietri! Pietri said it. That's like the only name I know how to pronounce because he said it so many times. Uh Ani was in big game in 2014. Jorma Tomila plays Rano, the father. He is the real life father of Pietri. Pietri. Which is pretty cute. Yeah, a little father-son dude. That's probably why the chemistry was so profound. Yeah. They really had a journey together. They did. Jorma was also in the Christmas party from 1996, fitting. And big game with his son from 2014.

A lot of crossover here. It seems like they're a crew. Well, Finnish actors have to stick together, you know. Peter Jacoby plays Pierterie's elf, the little hunched over guy in there, sniffing some gingerbread cookies. Uh he was in Vimni Relikvia from 1969. Whoa, 69! Nice! And also Living Images from 2013. Uh, and sadly passed away in September of 2014. R.A.P. Santa. And that's our lineup of Finnish All Stars. And I should note that the uh three adult stars of this movie were also the adult stars of the two short films. Oh, that's nice. I loved the guy with the glasses. Yeah, who was the Santa impersonator. Yes. Yeah, he was pretty funny. He was probably my favorite character.

He looked like a badass. The IMDB summary reads, in the depths of the Corvanchuri mountains. Four hundred and eighty-six meters deep lies the closest ever guarded secret of Christmas. The time has come to dig it up. This Christmas, everyone will believe in Santa Claus. Dramatic Wow. The Rotten Tomatoes critic score is an 89%. The audience score 71%. Critics' consensus is quote Rare Exports is an unexpectedly delightful crossbreed of deadpan comedy and Christmas horror. That was a very dramatic summary, Ian. I got chills. Thank you. IMDB. Do you have um any holly jolly tickle in your Kringle right now after watching that movie? Well, let me just say. I am very excited to learn about. Did you not hear Ian just say let me just say, Carolyn?

Yeah, I did, and I kept talking. Damn. Story of my life. Go ahead, Ian. I probably could have finished my thought and he would still be a mess. I don't even remember what I was gonna say. Okay, get out. Are you finish? Hey. Trash, get out. Are you finished? Did you get it? Well, I was gonna use that joke because I was gonna say I really, really enjoyed this movie from start to finish. Is that all? I told you. I, for one, am very excited to learn about all this history that went into this movie making. Well, you just heard it in our introduction. Yeah, I know, but I'm just like, it's intriguing to me. I I want to know about the the violent side of Santa.

Well, here's the T. Spill it. Uh uh A lot of this seems to have been fabricated for this movie. So bullshit. The Finnish Santa Claus, uh, like I struggled to pronounce in the introduction, um Santa. No, Yulepuki. That's Dutch. Yeah, Yulepuki. Um he was created from this myth of these goat spirits that would uh s demand gifts and payment from the Yule Festival. And uh adult men would dress up as goat men and they would chase around children and scare them, and this evolved into um what is now two sides of the same coin, Santa Claus and Krampus. And uh Krampus is kind of a uh I was actually reading a lot about him because we are recording this on December 6th, and Krampus Knocked is December 5th.

So it happened the night before we were recording this. So I was reading up on my Krampus history, and what's a little scary about him is that the mythology of Krampus predates Christianity. We can't really identify the source of the Krampus tale. He is kind of just a central European figure, or not even central, but just a European figure that is the evil side of Santa Claus. If you've seen Michael Doherty's Krampus from uh I think 2016, 2015, something like that, um, it's like very much like a German Austrian folk tale. And um I think that it's been identified that the main source of Krampus is Austria. So Puki is a blend of Krampus in a sense or a derivative.

His yeah, his origin is uh thought to be an inspiration for Krampus. Okay. So yeah, like we said in the introduction, everything about Christmas, from just the way we celebrate it for us here in America to other parts of the world, it's all just like a blend of different traditions and different historical things, and that includes Krampus and the uh more niche elements of Christmas that maybe not everyone's out, you know, doing a Krampus-Knocked festival. Um but yes, this movie is capitalizing on the dark side of Santa Claus, which is present in fairy tale folklore. But I believe the most violent thing I could find in my research about Krampus was that yes, he would beat children with sticks uh for being bad, and that he would also uh take them to hell with him if they were naughty.

I could not find anything about maybe uh an army of I I think a lot of this movie came from lore, like using lights to scare him away. I don't think there's anything necessarily about putting bear traps in fireplaces, but resourceful. Um but yes, I could not find anything about eating children or sacrificing them to Krampus. Uh that seems to be fabricated for this film. Darn. From what I can tell. If I'm wrong, and you are from Finland or from a uh seems a lot of like Alpine Scandinavian countries, uh that kind of northern European area, let us know. Finland does share a border with Russia. That was my main question. They kept talking about Russia, and they were like, are we gonna go to Russia?

And I was like, is that Russia? Do you think the border with Russia? Yeah, it is a border fence. Norway, Sweden, and Finland are the three little fingers up top. Well, I wonder that I wonder what kind of um is do you think the kind of Russian prejudice is just a device of this movie, or do you think Finland and Russia kind of have a tumultuous relationship? Probably easily Google. I do not I am speaking out of not very much knowledge of Finnish people, but they seem to keep to themselves. Guys, you know what's nice? It's so many people supported us on Patreon that now we're gonna transition into the segment where we fly. Yeah, we're gonna Finland.

Here we are. We're gonna go check it out. Wow, look at so many supporters. Local time is 3 p.m. First class. Look at these northern lights. What oh, it's Santa Claus! Reindeer! Ah we're back in the studio. Um, I don't know if this is true or not, but my high school English teacher, no, my high school history teacher told me once that Finland was having such a hard time getting their people to procreate and their population was declining that the government supported mixers just so people would get out and meet each other. I mean, that wouldn't be the first country to do that. Listen to all these facts. I don't know, coming straight from the mouth of my high school history teacher.

So Wikipedia says Finno-Russian relations have been conducted over many centuries, from wars between Sweden and Russia in the 1700s to the planned and realized creation and annexation of the Grand Duchy Ducey of Finland within the Russian Empire during the Napoleonic times in the 1800s, to the dissolution of the personal union between Russia and Finland after the abdication of Russia's last Tsar in 1917 and subsequent birth of modern Finland with support of the Bolshevik Russian government. Relations since then have been both warm and cool, fluctuating with time. Finland now imports a large amount of goods and basic necessities such as fuel from Russia. Russia imports a large amount of Finnish goods such as wood products and services, such as communications and technology.

Russia has an embassy in Helsinki. Good for them. Are you Finnish? Speaking of Finnish goods. One Santa Claus. Two, let's talk about some knitwear. Ooh, yeah. Knitwear. I was just I was watching this movie thinking, man, I want one of those sweaters. They look cozy. Yeah. Cozy. Yo! Big summer blowout. So yes, I'm a fan of the costuming here, you know, sweaters, and I noticed this really um luscious cape of red and white trim, a little matching cap. I when that guy walked in and he had that on, I was like, they're gonna dress this guy up, and then he's gonna run around terrorizing people. And you were like mostly wrong. I don't know. The the main image in my head from this entire movie was what we find out to be Santa's elf in the back of the truck in a cage in the Santa coat.

I loved that image too. That was spooky. Uh Pieteri just being like, hey, what's going on back there? But like frail, scary Santa in a cage. He was skinny. Yeah. Man, I should get on his diet. Weight Watchers. And gingerbread cookies. I was going to say probably hibernation for like hundreds of years. Okay, I have gingerbread. I have a question. So they f they fell into this pit and were frozen or basically put there. So I looked this up too because they kept referencing it was a burial ground. The Sami people. And the Sami people are an indigenous Feno Ugric? Udric? U-G-R-I-C. Uh they're a Finnish people inhabiting Setmi, which today encompasses large northern parts of Norway and Sweden, northern parts of Finland, and the Kola Peninsula within the Murmansk Oblast of Russia.

So it seems like they're saying that Santa Claus, uh or Yolopuki, uh was kind of an ancient being uh that came into contact with the indigenous peoples of Finland, and they built this mountain to imprison Santa and his elves. Oh, so the elves were in there with him. Yeah, I would think so. I think the elves were also in ice. Uh maybe. But these stupid, I guess, British and American people came and dug them up. Fucking America. Set him loose on Finland, and uh, you know, a lot of reindeer dead. Capitalism run amok. Exactly. And then um actually these guys thought it's about time we got some repayment. So they uh set into action trying to sell those Santas.

Terrible negotiators. But before before that, I like that the very first scene of this movie where the drilling company is on top of the mountain, um, the main guy who's this small little uh British man, uh realizes what they've dug up and says, Watch your mouth, it's Christmas time, so let's act like it. From moment one, we are told you're in front of Santa, you better be. Better watch out. Yeah, better not cry. So I like that a lot. My second thing that I love is the opening credits where Pieteri is doing some really hard academic research on Santa. Reading books such as The Truth about Santa Claus. Coloring in an image of a Santa-like man with a large horn, but instead he has turned the horn into a Santa Claus cap.

I was quite tickled by that. Yeah, I was um just going back to the beginning. I was kind of taken aback right away by how it seemed how quickly they were just getting into what I thought was gonna be like the climax of the movie. The meat. Right. The meat. And I was like, wait a minute, did we just start in the middle of the movie? But we didn't. Yeah, and actually, this is a a a quick movie. It's an hour and twenty four minutes. So honestly, they had a lot to fit in, and so there was no time for messing around. It's one of those movies though, where you're like, you know, this is why movies don't need to be long.

You know, they went in there, they got what they needed to do done. That is a pretty dicey argument to throw out there, especially considering your love of midsummer. I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not advocating that all movies should be short. Some people are afraid to produce a movie this short because they think it should be longer. What I was saying was Caroline. I got there fast. Shut up. No, what I was saying is that movie didn't need to be longer than what it was. Yeah. I mean, I could have had a I could have lived in that Santa horror for a lot longer, but you know, they left me wanting more, and I can't be mad at that.

There could totally be like a second. Mm-hmm. What I want to know is Pieterry goes out to see his dad. He's wearing his little briefs and sweater, looking cute as can be, carrying his little stuffed animal. Cute. And his dad, he doesn't want to go inside the shed because his dad's cutting up a big pig. And his dad says, You gotta come in. You can't stay out there because the wolves will gobble you up. Do you think he's just trying to be like silly? He doesn't seem like a silly dad to me. But in Finland, are there just wolves eating children? I think it's a real because like go back to the whole the the wild pig thing, the wild hog debacle that's like overtaking Texas and in the south.

Um excuse me? You what is that? No, people were like killed recently. Wild hogs are like they populate really, really quickly, and there's we're basically unable to exterminate them, and they're coming into people's properties and just terrorizing and they can kill like they're wild hogs. So I have I mean, I'm I'm no animal expert, but I'm assuming if you live in the middle of Finland, which it was clearly in the middle of Finland, um, your biggest enemy is probably like the wolves. Well, also they live in a territory and have jaw like their whole lifestyle depends on like hunting. So they're purposely living in these wild lands, which like if you do that, you're gonna come across like dangerous beasts.

Yeah, and you know, sometimes I thought when the father would take Pieteri somewhere with him, I thought, is that really a place for children? And then I was kind of like, well, the place isn't the wolves will gobble him up, he's gotta go. Can't be left alone. No, I that's an interesting statement. And with wild Santa Clauses running around. Oh my god. But there's something deeper there, like what is for children, what's not for children. Like it's a whole different way of life. I mean, like, that's if anything, they're just training them young to be really great hunters and they'll be successful when they're older. Or do you want to know what I really think the reason is?

Love. Love. Love. He loves him. Doesn't want to lose him. What happened to the mom? Does she get gobbled up by the wolves? Well, we don't know what happened to the mom, but you're right on track because that's where we're headed next is to this delicate, beautiful scene where Pieteri and his father sit down to a plate of gingerbread cookies. Because that's all they eat in Finland. And he says, maybe at Christmas time, he says they're just like mom used to make them. And a single tear drops from his father's eye. Yes, Rounno cannot handle even a mention of the mother. And you know what? Maybe he looks into his son's eyes and sees his wife's eyes staring back at him, and that's why he's so cold.

He's just trying to provide a good life for his son, trying to cook him breakfast and burning it in the oven. And he's such a macho mask man. I just don't think he knows how to interact with the sensitivity of Pieteri. And I think they need something to really bring them together. Maybe an event, maybe some sort of life-threatening um encounter to really bond them. Do you think they're eating gingerbread because they don't have any meat? No, I think they're eating gingerbread because it's Christmas Eve. They were shaped like small men. I don't think they were just making those for fun. Uh no, he had a large pig. I think they could be eating meat if they want.

Um, I think they're just being festive. Gotcha. Could just be me though. Um, so yeah, they're having a little trouble connecting, and it's a very small image that we see next. But I, for some reason, am really taken with this scene where Pieteri's sitting on a box watching out his window and he falls asleep, and the keys are caught on his sweater and just slowly unravel down to the bowl so they don't wake him up. I watched that. I don't know if it was that time or maybe it was a time before where he fell off the suitcases or whatever. Yeah, because he's setting traps. He does not want Santa sneaking up. The only time I jumped in the movie was that time.

I don't know. He caught me. I was like, oh. Yeah, that was before. This was when he falls asleep and drops the keys, but instead of clinging into the bowl to wake him up, the a thread of his sweater just slowly lowers the keys up. Hey, he's too sleepy, he's just little sleepy boy. And then bear trap in the fireplace in the morning. Pieteri has covered his bases. He has set a trap for Santa. And you know who's in the fireplace? Is dad trying to set a fire and uh almost get snapped. What a way to go. I didn't realize that's what happened, but yeah. I would have been fucking pissed. Yeah. I mean, children don't have them.

Uh, and so then this starts to do it. And then he says, I have to go wee. I can't talk about this, Dad. I have to go wee. Uh so this sets off a very long sequence of events where they find Santa Claus, as so far we think he is, and um, you know, they bring him into the shed, they're interrogating him, they're going to find Juso's dad, but Jusso's gone. What do we think about this whole sequence pre uh taking Santa Claus to be sold? Laughed really hard at the uh potato sack thing. Oh yeah. Uh they didn't take my potatoes, only the bags. They're potatoes everywhere. Also, I didn't understand the radiator and blow dryer thing until later.

Well, yeah, you're gonna be able to do that. Fun twist. Fun twist. Loved that. How spooky is that doll that the elves are going and replacing children in bed with. So fun though. Like elves making toys. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, and so they're stealing all of the village's children. Scary. For Judgment Day by Santa. Hmm, he's making a list. Checking it twice. Gonna find out. Who's naughty or nice? And I would guess that this Santa uh is not really going to give many children the luxury of being found nice. He likes naughty children. So, Caroline, you jumped when they were kind of uh preparing their stuff to uh I guess were they going to cut up the man's body?

Yeah. I guess they were gonna get rid of him, and then he jerks away. His arm has a little flinch. Yeah. And you made a little ugh. I at first thought that was just, you know, how undead people die. A little twitch. Reflex. They still move. Yeah, but little Pieteri sneaking a peek through the window and Pia 3. Santa Claus gets a whiff. Loves his cookies now. No, he gets a whiff of a little small child. Oh, oh, yeah. And he thinks, Cookies, I guess they're good. You know it's better. A nice succulent child sink his teeth into. I think that whole section is really funny just because uh they're like luring him in. And then he's like, hey, Peter Terry, do you know this guy?

He's like, it's Santa Claus. Who is a U.S. citizen? Yes, a US citizen. Well, I think that's probably a stolen passport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they get on the phone with uh, you know, Britain and they say, We have Santa for sale. Um is that a Olsen twin reference? What? No, he literally says we have Santa for sale. I think he just says we have Santa Claus. I think you're mistaken. Roller tape. Somewhere in there it says we're for sale. We have Santa for sale. Wait, no, damn it. The tapes proved me wrong. We have Santa Claus. So then we get the uh great scene Carol mentioned earlier where Santa sneaking a peek in at old Pieteri in the back of that track.

Spooky. Yep. And I loved the old British guy when we s when he says like they're protecting his master, then everyone gets freaked out all of a sudden, right before he dies when things are people coming out of the woods naked with wieners flying. Love it. And uh old Pieteri sees a big door 24. Christmas Eve. Advent calendar. Uh, yeah, I love the advent calendar thing and how he's like taping the door of the Christmas Eve shut, staples it down. But you know what? He's gotta face his fears. His dad doesn't think he can be a man because he has some sensitivity inside of him. He may not be as macho as old Raucho or whatever his name is.

Groucho, more like it. Roundo, sorry. Um and uh, you know what? He faces his fears. He says, hey, stuffed animal whose name I can't remember. I love you, but the time for stuffed animals is past. The time for action and heroism is here. And he steps up to the plate, just proving, you know what? You can't judge people for the way they look, the way they sound, the way they act. You gotta judge them for how they act. Tell my dad. The deed they do. You know what I really loved in this whole like hero sequence. Um, you know, all these like Christmas movies that I watched growing up have this like hero child, you know, like the Santa Claus or like yeah, Miracle on 34th Street, this like glistening young child, and they like save the day, you know?

And I love that this is like a darker zombie-esque version of that, you know? Yeah, I don't know where you're getting zombie, but yeah, sure. Oh my god, those elves running through the wolves and wolf woods naked. Are you kidding me? I guess. They looked like straight zombies. Maybe all this to say, Pieteri, you're cool. I like him. He is my Christmas savior. If you know what I mean. Calling out you, JC. You know what really tickles me is not just this huge Krampus in an ice block with giant horns that have defrosted before the rest of him. It is the bags of children just sat in front of him. So, I mean, I guess they've been going to all the local villages because it's not just like the five kids that Pieteri called earlier in the film.

Um, there are quite a few of them. And, you know, you could just basically hear a large stomach grumbling in the distance because Santa, he's hungry for some meat. Children suck. That's all I want to say. Children suck. I would have just let Santa have them. The end. Some of the Christmas like jokes in this movie, spot on. Some of them, I was like, oh man. Could you list one? Yeah, I have one written down. Looks like we've been naughty when they have the sticks of dynamite inside the Santa. I just like, I didn't pick that. Damn it, you guys. Just calm it down. But yeah, this whole finale, I think, is pretty, pretty enjoyable. Can we talk for a second?

How if I were in the truck unwinding the explosive twine, I would maybe buffer a little longer before pulling the trigger. Yeah, he was right there in the flames, man. Well, that's just why there's no movies about Chewie in, because then there would be no slow motion shot of a hat being blown off of your head. I was thinking I would probably be in the front. Oh, that's holding it out the window. Some of the shots in this movie are really cool. Some of them are like really weird. It was like, it's almost like they had like a really bad finance person that like financed half the movie. And then they just had a lot of money all of a sudden.

Oh shit. No, no, the opposite. Like, oh shit, we gotta like fit in these scenes with no money. I thought it was the opposite where it was like all of a sudden they're like, wow, we have a lot of money. Alright, let's do these really cool shots where Pieteri has just like slow motion snow and we're just circling him, and the dad, slow motion explosion blowing his hat off of his head. I think those scenes are cool. But uh yeah, they're a little bizarre. Uh Pieteri hanging on to the outside of the large sack of children suspended from a helicopter. Flying in a circle. Yeah, flying in a circle with all of these naked old men beneath him.

This movie is insane. And it's kind of awesome. It's awesome. It's great. And you know what? Pieteri, Christmas Savior, he drops down inside of all the that Pitt of Santa's and he's like, hey. I'm not planning on coming back. Yeah, he's sacrificing himself, which really maybe he has matured further than any other character in this movie. Those dads, they wouldn't have let themselves die like that. But he says, he says, get out of here, take those children home. It's past their bedtime. And then the guy just leaves him alone with all these killer Santa's. You know. And if I were in a pit of these old naked men, I'd just be like, well, what are we gonna do now, you guys?

And uh I know what I'm gonna do now with those old men. Make money of sex. And then after all of this dramatic, wait a second, I do have a complaint about this movie. Who the I don't wanna Okay, calm down. Deep breaths. I don't want to diminish anybody's contribution to a piece of art, and I don't want to diminish something that they've probably put a lot of time and effort into, but what the hell was this score? The music was horrible. I didn't even pay attention to it. Yeah. It was just like I felt like none of it really matched. There was like a triumphant moment with Pieteri, but that was like the only second that was like, oh, this is nice.

I could see like you know, the not to put all A24 movies in a box, but I could see some like what we typically expect with a score from a movie like that in here, like a like some of that eerie stuff. What? No, I I get what you're saying. I think it'd be the Midsummer soundtrack was spot on. You know, I can't say that I remember one scene with music from this movie. Well, and sometimes it was like that's what I'm saying, never matched, because sometimes it's too quiet, but sometimes it would just be a scene and it was the same kind of swell of just like like fantasy hero music. Like this move music could have been used for like 20 other fantasy things.

Uh and I the thing coming to mind is going to sound like an insult, but it's one my favorite TV show basically all time. But I just was like, this sounds like the music used in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when you know, like she does something really like like you know, it comes to save the day at the last moment and gives like a snappy pun, and it's just like Buffy's here. Like it was just yeah, whimsy Christmas, Santa, it's fine. Yeah, but there was no spook, no creep, and not very much festive on top of that. I think I was just really busy reading subtitles. How fun would it be to like take Christmas music, blend it with midsummer soundtrack, and make like a very eerie jingle bells like the underlying song to make it eerie as fuck.

I would point you to Michael Doherty's Krampus, which does subvert uh Christmas melodies for spooky purpose. Alright. So it's been done. You wanna finish things up? It's been done. Oh so the movie has the finale, which is the um kind of what I would call like the summary of some of the short films. It's almost like we're watching like a redone version of Rare Exports Inc. where they are training and boxing the Santa Clauses and sending them out to places like Tanzania. Uh, I was really tickled by this actually. Uh all of the Santa Claus lined up with their little like uh dolls like pretending, and then one like wants the present. He's like, nothing in there for you, Mr.

Claus. And uh yeah, I thought that was pretty, pretty funny. And then they have a whole warehouse of boxes of Santees. I think it's funny how it just like in an instant the movie changes from what it was to like all of a sudden they're like slave owners. Like selling businessmen. No, I they were like, how much are they worth? And it was like$85,000. I was like, for a human? For a Santa. Do you think these people are humans? Or do you think they're No, they're Father Christmases. Are they tangible? They don't die? I don't know. Do they age? Were they always that old? You'll have to call Rare Exports Inc. and ask their customers. Why are they shipping them like cargo?

Because they're, you know, when you go to a mall and maybe you sit in the lap of a Santa Claus, you might just be sitting in the lap of a rare export's father Christmas. Terrifying. They are objectifying these Father Christmases. Objectifying. Yeah. They're humans, they deserve a seat on an airplane to Tanzania. Okay. Yeah! You're missing the fun. Get out of here. Doors right there. Honestly, we would have to know a little bit more about Finnish culture, I think, to dig into maybe if there were any deeper messages in this movie. Uh to me, I would guess this seems like a pretty straightforward surface fun time. Yeah. Uh, I'm not really digging too many themes out, except maybe that um Christmas is a consumer uh corporate holiday.

They say something about how Santa Claus is just a Coca-Cola ad, and it's true. It's true. Stop making me spend money on my family, Santa. I don't have the funds. Yeah. Uh, alright. Does anyone die in this movie? No. No. So what would you say is your most memorable moment? Since I don't think we have any murders. Except a pig. The old man dies. The British man. Oh yeah. I think the most memorable moment is when the British man gets off of his helicopter and the elves are coming out of the woods, and we see the skinny Santa in the jail cell. I'm gonna go with the shot of uh it's like from behind the horns of Santa, seeing all of the ovens and radiators in front of him and the bags of children squirming.

I think that's a pretty um striking image. And even the building blowing up and you can see the silhouette of the truck with the Santa horns coming out of it. Uh I think a really those are two great examples of the great attention to imagery that this director has. I kind of struggle with picking one memorable moment, but I would say it's pretty memorable. Awww. I would say when the two reindeer came over the horizon and the realization that something is wrong. Because I feel like the lack of the reindeer is a really big thing for like a 0.25 moment second in the movie. Not when you rely on that for your livelihood. Well, would you say that, or then would you say the shot of just an expansive field of dead reindeer torn-apart reindeer?

Well, eventually that, but the the moment. So you're saying the whole chain of events. You're just really swept with their their the threat to their way of living. Yeah, can you imagine if you relied on that? Just saying. Wow. On a scary scale, one to Diaz ten if you don't speak Spanish. You uncultured shit. Um, how would you rate wait, it's five. Cinco! I gotta change all my scores now. Yeah, we have to do some multiplication tables for expansion now. Um, Cinco. How would you rate Rare Exports a Christmas tale? On a scary scale, one to five. I would have to rate it a I mean consider the purpose here. It is a comedy, and so you maybe have to adjust your view of what's scary.

Fuck that. A one. Caroline? I'm gonna go with a two. I just had fun, you know. Yeah, I'm gonna go with a one. I think there's striking imagery, and I do not deny the fact that it is a horror film. I think that's pretty clear. But it is uh uh there's creepy imagery, such as we mentioned with Santa looking over Pieteri's shoulder. But uh yeah, I think I'm gonna do that. I don't think they were trying to do anything more than they accomplished. So yeah, I think one of those ones where it's horror and premise and less in experience. Yeah. Uh would you give Rare Exports a Christmas tail? A smash or a slash? I'm giving that tail a smash.

Damn. A hot and heavy smash. Oh yeah. Sweaty, me too. Smash, smash, smash, smash, smash. Nope. Too far. Too far. And finally, in this season of giving, what's your favorite scary movie? Or what's your favorite Christmas movie? Nope, scary. Uh, my favorite scary movie is The Shining. My favorite scary movie is Rare X For. Happy Christmas! Merry New Year. Yeah. Mine's the Witch. And we have diversified our Finally. Alright. So next week is a very exciting week. You may have heard on this very podcast that we have started a little website called Patreon.com slash scary moviepod. Slash. No, smash. No, slash Scary Movie Pod. I was like, no, no, no, Ian, don't do that. And um, you know, maybe that was false because we didn't start the website patreon.com.

But we did start the website scary movie pod uh whatever. Where are you going? Yeah, I know. I'm off I'm off the rails! The Christmas spirit has taken me! Um three. In this season of giving, we are going to give to you, our listener, a little sneak peek of the hot, hot, jolly content that will be coming to our Patreon in the new year. We are going to be doing a double feature next week. A face-off of two very exciting movies we are going to be watching and reviewing for you Black Christmas from 1974 and Black Christmas from 2019. Ugh, so that is the perfect time for you to think, you know what? I like what's your favorite scary movie, but what am I really getting out of my subscription to their Patreon?

And you know what you're gonna get? Some really hot, awesome stuff. Laughs, insights, background, yeah. Friendship. And, you know, next year, you're gonna be missing out on all the fun if, say, we were already doing it and you were only gonna get to listen to our Black Christmas 2019 episode. What? You wouldn't be getting all of the goodness of what we thought about Black Christmas 1974. Ridiculous. Crazy. And you know what? Your money's going to making this podcast just a little bit better every single week. We need new XLR cables and the batteries to keep this recorder going. And we gotta go to Finland and do some research, guys. Okay? Yeah. No, we just need to ship.

Just kidding. We need to pay Caroline off. Yeah, we we need to get Caroline in a big wooden box and send her away. That was that was me nailing closed the box. Yeah, if you want higher production value so Ian doesn't have to pull that shit, then go uh subscribe to us on Patreon. But all jokes aside, if you subscribe to our Patreon, we have a hot newsletter coming out for only a dollar a month. We have hot bonus episodes coming out twice a month for$5 a month, and we have hot companion ebooks for our main feed episodes coming out every week for only$10 a month. That's like pocket change. Pocket change. Yeah, and that would be really changing our lives.

Disney Plus. Minus Disney Plus. I gotta cancel that free subscription. You better, because they're trying to take over the world. And you know what? We're the little man here. And we uh we need to be bringing culture and local voices, I don't know, small businesses. They hate us. They hate us! Shut up, shut up! Disney's trying to shut us down and we won't be silenced. And welcome to Parker's new podcast he'll be launching next week. I hate Disney. Yeah, Disney Plus, Disney sucks. Except Frozen 2. I loved that. Very good. So anyway. Anyway. We'd appreciate the support. Patreon.com slash scary movie pod for all the fun times that you could possibly imagine. And get your postcards.

Uh, and you know, tune in next week for our Black Christmas face off. So while you're waiting for that really exciting Black Christmas episode, which I'm actually really stoked to do. I think Black Christmas is scary as fuck. Um can't speak for 2019. It maybe doesn't uh I'm not gonna pass judgment. Um you can head on over to Apple Podcasts. Leave us a review to hear your name screamed over the airwaves. And you know, a review could look like five stars. I love it. This podcast is so good. The how the hosts are really hot, and you know what? If I could fuck a voice, I'd do theirs. Or it could look like four stars. I love this podcast.

It's the best podcast I listen to. But ship Caroline away. If you rate it four stars, I'm going to we're the podcast is over. But here's the deal. You can click the stars, but make sure you write a note to us. We really want to hear your feedback. Or just send us a note. Yeah, and if you're like, if you're like, I don't even want, I don't even know what to say, you know. I love listening every week, but how can I express in words on Apple Podcasts what I think? You can just say, you know, hey, here's my credit card. I love you guys. You know, it can be something small and simple. No emojis emojis.

Yeah, a little peach emoji. Or a little butts here. What? We didn't even talk about all the weenies, did we? I you did. I did. Santa, you talked about it. I made a joke halfway through where I said, Man, I just want to see his dick. And then, which granted, I saw a lot of those dicks. So if you want to see Santa's dick, you know, DM me on Instagram. Oh my god. Wrap it up. We're done here. Alright, if you want to sit in Sandy's lemon. DM me on Instagram. Parker's had too much wine. Alright, um, no, we're not, because my name is Parker Heron. You can find me on Instagram, Twitter, Letterboxd, scare slasher app at Parker Delray.

My name is Carolyn. You can find me on Instagram at Carol Manifesto. And my name's Ian Hoyt. You can find me on Instagram and YouTube at Ian Hoyt. And look what the cat drag did. You can follow all three of us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, at ScarymoviePod. You can email us if you have anything you want to say. At scarymoviepod at gmail.com. You can find our calendar and our hot, hot, hot reviews at scarymoviepod.com. And keep sending tweets. We thrive on the feedback and comments from your tweets. We get so many nice messages, and I love them. Because you know what? You can also DM us on patreon.com slash scary movie pod. And while you're at it, go ahead and subscribe to one of our tiers.

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